An Atheist's Religious Experience

Over 20 years ago I saw this same sight, at the same silly time in the morning.

Except 20 years ago, I was whizzing my tits off, on some cheap yaba I'd bought off some random in the street (always a safe bet).
Actually, I may well have been on a comedown by then.
Either way, the dumb, reckless, 23-year-old me didn't appreciate what I saw, because I wasn't fully on this planet.

...so I decided to do it again, as a 40-something.

I arrived in Angkor, Cambodia, after another 20-hour journey (including stops) — knackered and unable to hold a thought.

It was 9pm, but I needed food and a wash...not necessarily in that order.

By the time I got to bed it was 11-ish, but the owner of the hotel I was staying at was a bit of a hustler ('Do this trip, do that trip, I know a good English-speaking guide, I'll take you on my tuk tuk, only $50' etc) so I'd agreed to get up at 6am the next morning, to do a day tour of the world-famous Angkor Wat.

For those not in the know, Angkor Wat is 11th - 13th Century (depends which bit of it you visit) temple/a series of temples spread throughout what was jungle.

It's impossible to fathom how it got there (the stones to build it would've come from miles away, without modern transport methods), how it was built and carved (without modern tools), or even how it's stayed standing.

In short, it's incomprehensible — to the point that there are theories that aliens built it.

It's widely considered to be 'The 8th Wonder of the World' and is a Unesco World Heritage site.

Anyway, I did the day tour, up until 2pm, when — in the stifling heat/humidity and with the impact of my long journey still hitting me — I gave up and told my guide that we should head back.

Still knackered, I stupidly agreed with my hotel owner (who was great at twisting arms) to see sunrise over Angkor Wat, which is really something to behold...but involved getting up at 3.45am.

I badly needed the sleep, but there's genuinely nothing like the sight I was going to see, I had limited time in Angkor, and I needed to make up for the moment that I'd ruined 20 years prior.
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My alarm went off and jarred me awake, like a smack round the chops.

I threw clothes on (didn't bother with a shower), trudged downstairs, greeted the hotel owner/tuk tuk driver for the trip (who was, bizarrely, as bright and breezy as if it had been 3.45pm), and climbed into the back of his tuk tuk.

I said nothing on our 30-minute drive to Angkor wat. I just watched the streets go by.

As we got closer, the first fingers of dawn were creeping in.
It was still dark, but you could sense things changing.

We got as close as tuk tuks were allowed, then I got off, was told he'd wait for me, and was directed down a wide, sandy-ish path — damp from overnight rain.

There were people all around me on this path — penned in by palm trees either side — but we all walked in silence.
Not a word was said, even among groups.
So strange — people from all around the world, and our common language was silence, excitement, and awe.

As the sandy path came to an end, the solid stone path that leads to the main (or rather, most famous) temple of Angkor Wat appeared and we all shuffled along it, through ornate entrances, and onto another, narrower stone path...where the main towers loomed large in front of us.

The sky was now starting to turn a grey-ish yellow, with those towers a black silhouette against it.

I stopped.
Took pictures.
Drank it in this time.

Then I did as others were doing — veered off the main path and across the grass, to the lotus ponds that separated us from the towers.

Hundreds (if not thousands) of people — Dutch, French, German, Australian, Japanese, Indian — all making their way to the edge of these ponds in eerie silence.

And the jungle band struck up — cicadas, unknown screeching birds, monkeys; all greeting our arrival.

As we stood by the pond, the sky continued to brighten, and the towers stood out in stark relief against the sky; their unmistakable shape marked out.

As they stood out more and more, a perfect mirror image was created on the unbroken surface of the ponds.

It was now 4.30am.

And in that moment, stood there on the edge of the pond, with the sun coming up behind one of the wonders of the world, and surrounded by people absorbed by this vision, in a shared, stunned silence...I felt something.

I am utterly atheist.
I don't believe in some higher power, or deity, who watches over and controls our destinies.

But that moment, at approximately 4.30am, stood in front of Angkor Wat temple, was the closest to god I would ever get.

And I took it in as a sober, sane, and far more sensible 40-something.

Yes, I have pictures on my phone.
But it's what's in my head that's important — that can't be erased.

Nothing can take that away from me.